Promotional material for the University of Montevallo and Kalshi By Nethan Crew, Minister of Truth
On the April 1 meeting of the newly instated Ministry Tribunal, the University of Montevallo signed a contract to partner with the betting app Kalshi to raise funds for the university.
In a deal that sets a precedent for other colleges, University Emperor Caleb Jernigan states that the deal will “assist the university in funding by taking even more money out of the students’ and alumni’s pockets.”
Some early bets that have been placed on the platform include “Who will win College Night?” with a 67% sway towards Purple for the third year in a row. There are also bets to see how many times the phrase “GV Transition!” is yelled during the runtime of the Gold Side show, with the over/under being at 11.5%.
Through Kalshi, Montevallo is currently the betting favorite in the Final Four of the NCAA basketball tournament for the championship, beating out Michigan and “whoever else is in the final four,” according to the lead programmer for the Montevallo sector of the app Jacob Duclos.
Betting doesn’t stop with just sports and College Night. Students can now bet on which professor they think will retire next, what will be on the menu in the cafeteria that day and how many times the university will be mentioned by Tommy Tuberville on Twitter.
The university and Kalshi will split the proceeds equally, with a slight buff to the university whenever MAGA Republicans bet on the app. This is a repayment statement from 1819 News, a completely unbiased news platform that has never said anything out of reason about the university or its students.
The profit outlook predicts that the university will no longer be in financial hardships by November. The analysts did not state if it was specifically due to the app’s profits or because ofthe potential election of a guy not named Tuberville to the position of Governor of Alabama.
For any questions about Kalshi’s partnership with the University, please contact the Kalshi support team at 202-224-4124 and ask for Thomas. If they don’t answer due to the government shutdown, leave them a heartfelt message about how you lost money by betting that John Stewart was going to come back as UM President.
Nethan Crew is the Managing Editor of Production for The Alabamian. He's a Psychology major and enjoys cooking, camping and listening to new music in his free time.
