Graphic by Scout Gunn, Business manager By Carter James, Former Editor in chief and Madison Smith, Managing editor of content
After much debate of contesting the College Night results, the University of Montevallo has decided to settle the matter by enlisting both purple and gold side into the war on Iran.
It has been two months since the United States declared war on Iran. The war has been tiring for both sides, with a nearly 2 weeklong stalemate now. Running out of options, the government has looked towards college campuses for the most “expendable people possible.”
Every institution declined the offer; nearly 2 billion from the government in exchange for 500 students. The University of Alabama took the offer, but the students were denied after the government found out the average GPA was 0.6. The government mandate is 0.7.
The University of Montevallo was offered the most amount of money, totaling around $10 billion. An amount that covers the newly discovered $9 billion in debt the university accruedafter the “Montevallo Means More” marketing campaign.
The board of trustees was split over their vote, but after a desperate plea by University Emperor, Caleb Jernigan, the trustees voted to come to the table with the government.
After 3 minutes of discussion, the university agreed to the full 500 students in exchange for the lump sum, but on one condition. The students to be drafted are all College Night eligible.
Gold side, known for their athletic dominance, was excited to hear they’d have real competition for once.
Madison Smith, the 2025-2026 gold side co-leader, sees her deployment as a hidden blessing and opportunity she never thought was possible.
“After winning something that was never important in the grand scheme of things [athletics], I am glad to know I can finally kill someone off the volleyball court.”
Smith’s co-leader, Julianna Holmes, has declined to comment at this time, due to not being seen since sweet Saturday.
Some cabinet members from both sides have taken creative approaches to this announcement. The two Kendalls of purple side – Murray and Ledlow – have started to amass a collection of firearms, blades and plutonium, with Ledlow revealing she has a weapon she refers to as Fat Man’s woke sister Fat Woman.
Murray, referred to as Kendall Prime, has already deployed to Iran. His whereabouts are unknown. His last known position was deep in the enemy lines of Tel Aviv.
Aspiring Gold side leader, Jake Manley, has managed to dodge the draft by changing his last name to Womanly. Minister of Truth Nethan Crew also will not be drafted, stating “I’m glad I stopped playing College Night at the right time.
Despite recently suffering a concussion from Green Side, for a second time, Aroush Maroof will be joining her golden comrades in the front lines.
“I thought I would be exempt,” said Maroof. “Madison and Julianna said that the government will need my ‘confused spirit,’ plus this is the only way I can be reimbursed for my ER bill.”
College Night stewardess Marion Brown was all in on the idea, stating “The sides will not be receiving spirit points for draft dodging.
Both sides hosted a going away party on March 20, following the leader announcements for the 2026-2027 season.
The newly elected leaders are expected to compete in College Night overseas. The cabinet members they choose will be drafted as well.
Carter James is the editor in chief of the Alabamian. He is a senior Mass Communication major with a concentration in broadcast production and minor in digital filmmaking. He is an avid cinephile, the occasional gamer and Batman fanatic in his spare time.
