Caleb Jernigan, Exalted and Supreme Emperor of the Free and Independent State formerly known as the University of Montevallo. Graphic by Seven Jones. By Sir Caleb Jernigan, Exalted and Supreme Emperor of the Free and Independent State formerly known as the University of Montevallo
Good evening students,
I am pleased to address you as the new Emperor of the University of Montevallo. It is my honor to be appointed to this amazing position. The seed of power has been taken from the administration and put into the hands of the voice of the students, which is me and me alone of course.
In order to ensure our security and continuing stability, the University will be reorganized into the first Montevallo Empire, for a safe and secure society. As you are reading this, my duly appointed cabinet are taking control of the various institutions on our campus. One of the more noticeable changes is the appointment of my minister of truth Nethan Crew, who will now be taking control of the Alabamian, ValloVision, and MarComm.
This is to ensure quality news and programming approved by the administration. As for the previous Alabamian head editor, he has quietly retired to another University up the road and is living a quiet, happy life, so there is absolutely no reason to investigate his whereabouts.
I would also like to announce that my administration is here for the students; we are here to listen and help. To this end, I have dissolved the SGA Senate so that my administration may hear directly from the students. I encourage you all to share all concerns with the regime with my newly formed Ministry of Love, Scout Gunn. Perhaps you may win a free vacation to that same University up the road.
Safety is a vital concern for our students, and we understand that. That is why the Ministry of Peace will be entrusted to keep order within our community, as a great man once said: “Covenants, without the sword, are but words and of no strength to secure a man at all”. It is also my privilege to announce that the historic Bloch Street Steam Plant will now be converted into a fully functional iron refinery to generate income for our fair Empire; all residents are required to participate in this public works project.
The average student should not fret or worry about their way of life changing; things will go on business as usual. Just sit down and relax, and don’t worry about anything. After all, never put off till tomorrow the fun you can have today.
So go out, don’t go to your classes, spend the day in, watching and reading our government-approved programming, do not concern yourself with learning or thinking too much. Just sit back relax and prepare for work in the iron refinery on Monday at 6am sharp. Your time has been appreciated and long live the Montevallo Empire!
